The question in the title of this post is how I was woken up to last night around 11:30pm. Tanisha said she woke up and thought she heard something and figured I should be awake too. I wanted to sleep and told her it was nothing. Then, I heard it. I picked up my iPhone and used the dim light, thanks Retina display, from the screen to see if I could see anything. I did. I saw a fluttering, fanged, skinned winged freak streak through my field of vision. A g** damn bat. I let Tanisha know that it was a bat by saying something soothing and calm like, “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BAT!” She quickly grasped the gravity of the situation and came as close as a person can come to breaking their neck as she jumped out of bed with her feet tangled in blankets.
We were able to shut the door and locked the blood thirsty creature in our bedroom. Then, we had to come up with a plan. Tanisha’s plan was to read everything she could about bats and rabies. My plan was to search for a 24-hour pest control service that would come to get the beast. I was able to get in touch with Falls Creek Animal and Pest Control. They said it would $110 plus tax to come out. I thought it was a fair price and agreed, considering I have no expert knowledge of bats or their thirst for human blood.
At approximately 12:30am, Crane arrived. Crane was a renaissance man to say the least. As I was walking him back to our bedroom, he noticed the Lichtenstein print on our wall and mentioned how he loved his work. He then went on to quote Walt Whitman and various passages from Beowulf*. His tools of trade were leather gloves and a giant net. I didn’t feel this was enough fire power considering the wingspan of the Bruce Wayne wannabe was nearly 4-feet across**. With disregard for his own safety, The Mighty Crane entered our bedroom and battled the beast for approximately 3 minutes and 7 seconds. Our hero emerged victorious. Crane then sealed this winged mammal terrorist in a emptied Similac can, poked holes in the top for ventilation and assured us we were safe. I’ve posted a picture of the bat below.
Tanisha and I were finally able to get to sleep around 1:30 or so. I woke up with Best Baby Ever aka Esther (who was blissfully ignorant to all of this happening) at 5am and shortly after Tanisha awoke and prepared for work. After she left, Sparky and I took that bat over to the Univ. of Minn. Vet Clinic for rabies testing. We’re not sure if we were bitten while sleeping and want to make sure we don’t turn into blood lusting vampires***. We’ll know tomorrow at noon. Until then, I’m chaining myself to our refrigerator so I won’t pose a threat to normal humans.
*This did not happen, but he did notice the Lichtenstein
**Possible embellishment
***That’s what happens, right?
Andrews Family Happenings 
GOOD CALL on rabies testing – you are so smart. They can indeed bite you and you don’t even know it. It happens often enough for there to be a poorly written article about it on ABC News. And rabies is, I’ve heard, rather uncomfortable. Was Crane cute/single? I like him and have single friends.
Shoot, it was hard to see his left hand under his protective gloves. I don’t know about being “cute”, but he did have a manly, man, rugged Mike Rowe vibe that lots of women find attractive (including me, although anyone who saved/es me from a bat in the middle of the night is sexy in my book- even if you look like Drew Carey in lipstick).
“A lot of times, people don’t even recall being bit by a bat,” said Williams. “The bites are small and not particularly painful. But even if someone handles a wild bat, they should receive the prophylactic vaccine because bats shed a lot of the virus through urine and other secretions. They don’t even have to bite to infect.” (ok so it wasn’t so poorly written)
Oh how funny, I can just imagine.
Jim, loved this post! Hope to hear more from you.
kudos to you for calling a professional. I would probably have started whacking at that ****er with the baseball bat I keep by my nightstand for prowlers, then moved on to my gun. Kris would have been displeased. good move.
Yeah, there was no way I was dealing with a bat. They have skin wings.
I hate that I’m just now reading this but I am loving how much I’m laughing.