Early Friday Morning: January 27
I bet some men choose to become anesthesiologist who specialize in giving epidurals because they want to know what it feels like to be worshipped. To show up in a laboring woman’s room and feel like he’s prince charming. When my prince charming showed up it was like he floated in pushing his white cart of magic juice and everything one else disappeared. At that moment he was the most important person in the room. At one point in my pregnancy I actually thought I would skip the epidural because I was so scared of having something injected/placed in my spine. I feared the pain and what would happen if say I moved or the doctor missed and I ended up losing feeling in my legs. Ya know, totally practical things since I never over worry about anything (: Anyway- I was no longer afraid of any of that. He could have placed the catheter in my iris and I would have been okay with that. Any pain would be better than the pain from the contractions I had been having without any medication. My sweet nurse offered up her hands for me to squeeze as the epi was placed. The entire procedure took about maybe 20 minutes. After the epi kicked in (which took all of 2 minutes or so) labor was a piece of cake. Almost immediately I was a different woman. I could actually think and breathe. It was amazing. I couldn’t feel my legs at all. Well, I could feel them, but they felt like they each weighed 400 lbs.
After the medical staff left us to labor on our own, Jim and I napped/slept. It was great. We drifted in and out of sleep as nurses came in to turn me, check a monitor or move my blood pressure cuff that kept moving around the entire time. At around 8 or so my doctor came in the room to check my progress. She checked me and said, “Wow, you wanna know how far you are?” To be honest I really didn’t care. I was in EPI LAND and the world was grand. She could have said 4 or 8 and I would have felt the same. Well, she said the latter. I was at 8! My water had also broken without my having known it. They (my nurse and doc) decided to just let me hang out for awhile so baby could continue to put pressure on my cervix. The reasoning behind that was she would slowly and steadily make her way into the birth canal and it would lessen the time I’d have to push. Sounded like the best idea in the world to me, so that’s what we did. We spent about two hours or so just hanging out. The nurse would come in to turn me it seemed every 30/45 minutes or so. Soon it was time to push.
It was just the nurse, Dr. Roberts, myself (of course) and my husband in the room. We were the dream team. The nurse on one side and my husband on the other. They were my coaches. During each contraction they’d tell me to “PUSH” and that I was doing a great job. Dr. Roberts was awesome too. She would say, “You can see her, she’s right there. Poop your baby out!” Yes, POOP your baby out. Isn’t that crazy! I suppose you’re using those same muscles. To be honest, I felt nothing. I tried to poop my baby out, but I was more so acting. I’d try to look like I was really trying while pushing. I didn’t want to let anyone down, but I hadn’t a clue if my pushes were really effective or not. Apparently they were because I only pushed for just under 20 minuets and then my sweet little angel was out. I remember looking at her and thinking she looked so small. She came out kicking and screaming and I was so relieved. It was as if I had been holding my breath for 38 plus weeks and I could finally exhale. I remember the doctor placed her on my chest for a moment and I just rubbed her little head and said “Hi, Hi…” over and over again. I did shed a tear or two. The whole experience was so overwhelming I cannot describe it. I immediately loved her and was consumed with a feeling I’ve never experienced before – momma bear. I instantly felt a need to protect and care for her at all costs. I feel like I met two people in that moment my sweet little girl and the woman I now was- a mom. Jim did cut the cord. He’d planned not too and Dr. Roberts insisted that he do it. It had been a running joke (kinda) between those two for weeks. I’m glad in the end he did it. That’s something you don’t want to look back on and wish you’d done it.
This story was going to have a part 3 about our hospital stay and the following days with little E. I’ve decided not to write it because the majority of it would be negative and I don’t want to taint these moments with that. We were so dissatisfied with our postpartum experience at Fairview Southdale. I plan to never set foot in that hospital again. I didn’t feel valued as a patient and I question the medical care my daughter was given. I LOVED my labor and delivery nurses, however, and I had a wonderful night nurse.
How do I end on a good note? Well, it’s been 6 weeks since this day and I couldn’t be happier. Motherhood has been so very hard, but so very rewarding. I love Esther so much and I can’t imagine my life without her in it. I’m forever changed and my heart is forever broken apart. I’m raw to all experiences that involve her. It makes me vulnerable in a way I never imagined. I suppose this is what most mothers feel. I get it now. I GET it now. I’m so happy I’ve been given such a blessing.