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Posts Tagged ‘family’

2015-01-18 21.42.47

Esther Andrews, almost 3

 

Esther,

I am sitting here on the eve of your 3rd birthday and I am overwhelmed in the best way. This time 3 years ago I was on bed rest anxiously awaiting your arrival. After months of barely breathing, or sneezing or lifting anything heavier than a toothbrush….afraid that trying too hard at anything would jeopardize your health, I could finally relax. Now there we were, finally in a safe zone and I allowed myself to actually feel excitement without added fear. We were ready…I was ready to meet you. I imagined what your face would look like. Would you have my eyes? Your father’s nose? What about my long fingers? I’d hoped for the latter because I wanted you to play piano someday 😉

When I first met you something changed in me. Immediately I loved you. I can’t adequately descried this experience, because it’s just something you have to go through yourself to really “get”. If you decide to birth your own children into the world, you will understand. Nothing prepared me for that moment. It was everything, I felt everything in a nanosecond- joy, pain, fear, excitement, anxiety, euphoria….the most important…LOVE. I’d read about it, heard GOD be described as it and now I had the honor of finally knowing, feeling it…meeting it. You are love. You are amazing and no matter what happens in this life, please always remember and return to that. Things with shake you, rock and try to destroy you…don’t be moved. Stand in your power. You are love- the most powerful force in the universe.

At 3, you are a threenager for sure. You challenge almost everything and most days it demands that your daddy and I become our best selves so we don’t throw ourselves out of a window. It is normal for you to test your limits at this age…but REALLY…does it need to be so much!!?? Then I remember. You’re our dragon baby so this is par for the course. I remember saying something to your pediatrician when you were a baby about your drastic swings. One minute you’re an angel the next…well…”challenging”. He gave me good perspective by saying it was a good thing. It was a good thing that you can cry your lungs out, that you can wake us up at night demanding our attention because he sees babies who can’t. Babies who are too sick to cry, too weak to be “challenging”. I try to remember those words even now. In the midst of those many tantrums I try to find an ounce of thankfulness. Do I always, no…but I try. That’s one of the many lesson you have taught me. Be thankful, even for the challenges. Sometimes I think you are teaching me way more than I am you.

 

This year Fiona joined our family. You adore her and the feeling is mutual. You are the only person who can get the good belly giggles out of her. I was worried about how you would be with her. You were used to having us all to yourself, but you’ve done a great job sharing and I’m proud of you. This is what I was hoping for- daughters who could also be friends. My hope is that you two will always be close. Allies. To be fair, I also worried about how I would accept another child. I could not imagine loving anything or anyone as much as you. I had heard from other moms of multiple children that your heart expands and you find a way. It was true. When I saw Fiona’s face, I fell again. I loved this little girl so much! Even though that is true, Esther, there is still a little corner of my heart always reserved for you. Why? Because you MADE me a momma. You were the first to call me “momma”. You were there when I was stumbling through new motherhood. You survived it with me. The mistakes. The times I questioned if I was doing it right. If I was enough. If I could keep you safe. You were there when I questioned why on earth the universe would give me such a gift. You were also there when I rocked it and kicked its ass! You journeyed with me when I figured out how to speak your language. When I could look at you and tell when something was wrong and get resources to help. You watched me as I confidently stepped into my grace. You ARE with me. So for that, my firstborn, you will always be loved by me in a special way reserved only for you. That doesn’t mean you’re my favorite. Both you and Fiona are my favorite! 🙂

Esther, happy 3rd birthday my lovie. I hope this year will bring new discoveries and new experiences that will continue to nurture who you are in this world. Each year I learn something new about you and it’s been so cool. Sometimes I look at you and think, “This is amazing! How on earth did we make such a cool person?” Then I remember, we didn’t. You have always been and were just waiting to pick us because you knew we’d give you the space to be who you are. Thanks for choosing us, monkey. This wild ride has been amazing and we can’t wait to pack for the next leg of this adventure.

 

Love you a million bajillion. You are my happy thought.

Momma.

 

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i’m not sure how long we’ll be a family of 2. i’m feeling fine for the most part. my body continues to grow and ache in new places, but i don’t think any of that is a sign that baby girl is on her way. that being said, i know that doesn’t mean a thing and i could go into labor tonight (: before that glorious moment arrived, i wanted to publicly acknowledge my little family of two- specifically my husband. i oftentimes struggle with saying what needs to be said. i’m better communicating in written form, esp. if it’s words from the heart. why this is, i don’t know. when i try to speak from the heart to my husband or a friend  “i love you” or “i’m so thankful you’re in my life” often comes out as “let’s meet for coffee” or “let’s have meatloaf for dinner.”  i think writing is the best way for my thoughts to come out in a somewhat ordered fashion.

for those of you who don’t know, jim has pretty much done bed rest right along with me. he has been such a rock and source of strength for me throughout this entire process. he has worked tirelessly to make sure my every need was met. he has cooked my meals and done laundry. he has kept up the household and done all the the cleaning (to be fair he did much of the same things even when i wasn’t on bed rest). sure, i’ve done a load of laundy here and there and loaded and emptied the dishwasher, but it was because i wanted to and not because i needed to. if i didn’t have him here, i wouldn’t have been able to really rest as i needed to. we have been a team and we have both done the hard work to keep this baby girl inside.

the way jim loves me sometimes amazes me. this bed rest jounrney has proven to me that he must really really  love me (: not only that, but that he is capable of taking care of me/us if need be. that is a very reassuring revelation. i have not been a treat to deal with let me tell you! at times i’ve been so crazy/sad/worried/happy/tired/mean/crabby and unfair. still, through it all, he’s loved me. we are married and i know he’s legally obligated to take care of me (: <—-thank goodness! but, he doesn’t have to do it willingly or with grace, but HE HAS. i’m so very very thankful for him. i don’t know what i did to deserve him, but i won’t question it. i’ll accept it and run with it.

i’m excited to become a family of 3, but no matter what, i want to remember and embrace our family of 2. i want us to always carve out time to celebrate US and our marriage. we were first a team of 2 after all and i don’t think we can be good parents unless we can continue to honor each other and our committment to one another. marriage can be hard, by design it just is, but i wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. some days we argue and i imagine how great it would feel if i cold just drop kick him in the neck and he’d have cause to feel the same way about me. then i think of what life would really feel like without him and it’s no reality i ever want to face. he is my PERSON. the witness to my life. i can’t wait for this next chapter to begin and i’m so happy we get to exprience this together.

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