I’m still here. Already this second baby is getting the short end of the stick- ahhhh poor second baby. I suppose I’ll probably not even wash off her pacifiers and let her tongue kiss the dog too. Oh the joys of parenthood the second time around. You figure out they are actually kinda resilient and you don’t have treat them like glass. Of course, we’ll see how all of this goes when she gets here.
Which leads me to my update and check in. I thought I’d blog a lot more than I am, but of course, we live with a toddler who actually wants us to pay attention to her *sigh*. And then there’s working and Jim’s still in school and (insert many other excuses here).
I went into this pregnancy already at an anxiety level 10+ and it’s only increased from there. Because of our journey with the last pregnancy- which thankfully had a wonderful outcome- I was a little worried about how things would progress this time. I knew I wouldn’t have my guru/savior/most awesome doctor teammate around this time because she moved out of state (HOW DARE SHE ABANDONE ME!!!) and that made me sad. I stuck with the clinic I had before and took on a new doctor. Immediately we clashed and were not on the same page as to how we should treat this pregnancy. I wanted to go to war with Iraq and she wanted to sit back and have tea with Canada. What I mean by that is, I wanted to be as proactive and aggressive as possible. For me that meant getting a stitch on my cervix to close that sucker up. Traditionally this is most effective if done earlier in pregnancy- 12-14 wks. She wanted to just “wait and see” how things went. That meant doing bi monthly ultrasounds and cervical length checks. I didn’t like that answer so I did what any good millennial would do and I went to find someone who would give me exactly what I wanted- a “Yes of course you’re right”. I sought out an office of specialists who are supposed EXPERTS in this sorta thing, http://www.uofmmedicalcenter.org/Specialties/Maternal-FetalMedicine/index.htm.
I made an appointment straight away and went skipping into the appointment expecting to be booked into an OR in a matter of days. Imagine my shock and disappointment when the doctor there mirrored exactly what my doctor at my OB clinic said. Again, not satisfied with what I was hearing (see, total millennial) I reached out to my old doctor I had with Esther (so glad I saved that cell number, lol). I shared with her the advice I was given by the other doctors- which was in contradiction to what we had originally planned- and asked if I should get a 3rd/4th opinion. She put my mind at ease a tiny bit, and said it sounded like a good plan. She was encouraged that I made it to 38 wks with Esther and said I’d probably do fine again and to just take it one step at a time. Only then did I finally accept that maybe the universe was trying to tell me something. So I acquiesced and tried to walk into this pregnancy with a mustard seed sized spec of optimism.
That bring us to today. I’ve thrown that tiny spec and ran over it with a semi. We’re on the same road we were with Esther. My cervix is failing, it’s now too risky to do a stitch and I’m bitter and angry feeling like, “I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!”. I’m trying to trust and believe that maybe this is meant to be. Maybe the stitch wasn’t the magic silver bullet and that things will be fine. I’m trying to trust my body and believe that it can do this again, but it’s tough. I’m currently not at a place where I can be hopeful. I hope that’s coming. I need it to come soon. For my sake, and my family’s. I want to be wrong about all of my deep, dark imaginings.
I’ve had several doctors appointments over these past few months. I almost have one a week, for sure one every other. Today’s appointment was a follow up to Monday’s when things looked grim.
Well, the jury is still out but today’s appointment went/looked better than Monday.
The baby looks great, as usual. Moving around and is very active. That’s no surprise if she’s going to be anything like Esther.
The cervix is still measuring short and there still is a tiny bit of funneling, but it’s better than it was on Monday, so perhaps the progesterone I started after Monday’s appt is helping with strengthening the cervix- which it’s supposed to do. So that’s a win.
The doctor today was one I haven’t met before. He was much nicer and understanding. I told him everything I was told by the other doctors. He seemed upset and said that he wished doctors would stop saying that bedrest doesn’t work. Instead he wished they would phrase it like , “we have no hard evidence that is works, but we also don’t have evidence that it doesn’t work.” I told him that for me, I felt bed rest for sure made the difference and got me to term with Esther. I asked if he felt the current course of action was a good one. He said at this point he feels the risk of a cerclage/stitch is greater than keeping an eye on the cervix and maybe ending up on bed rest again. The surgery itself could either burst my bag of waters- which of course means demise for the baby at this point, or send me into labor- again with a bad outcome.
So, I still have my appointment tomorrow with Clinic Sofia and another one to measure the cervix on Monday with Maternal Fetal.
Currently I’m not on bed rest, but he recommended very limited activities other than work. I asked for specifics and he said basically evenings and weekends are for resting. No housework- laundry vacuuming etc (Oh bummer *sarcasm*.) No exercising or extra walking (Oh shoot *sarcasm*.) No lifting and anything that causes me to strain my abdominal muscles. All of these restrictions until I’m at least 32 weeks. He said that’s the short term goal. Babies born then have less brain bleeds if any- and tend to have very good outcomes.
I’m trying to be optimistic, I really want to be wrong about everything. I hope I am. I hope that I can make it this time around as long as I did with Esther.
I guess, currently anyway, it’s still just a waiting game.
The only bright spot was seeing the baby and I’m pretty much giving birth to Esther’s twin…just 2 years later.
Here she is in all of her peaceful glory (hope that means she’ll be a baby who barely cries and sleeps ALL NIGHT LONG) Ha! 🙂
Rarely does a day go by where I do not think about my mother. I think I will always have a desire to have her with me in the physical form. I MISS her so much, yet feel her around me all the time. Still, that’s not a substitute for a coffee date, a Sunday brunch or a shared laugh during one of our favorite TV programs. It will be 10 years July 10 since she left me-us. Some days it feels like a million years ago- but usually, it feels like it just happened 5 minutes ago. I don’t know why that’s so. I guess it’s because I am a mom now and I’m who she was to me, for me- to/for someone else.
